i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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