I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
