I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
