I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
