I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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