you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
