i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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