I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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