Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
