sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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