I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
