If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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