No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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