Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
