the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize