The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
