Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
