did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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