I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
