Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
