Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
