You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
