Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize