she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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