More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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