I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
