He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
