She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
