that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
