Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
