He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize
