I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
