that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
