We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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