The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
