I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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