let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
