you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
