I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
