oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
