Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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