did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
