hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
