Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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