gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
