Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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