This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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