I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize