I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
A+ Viking dick
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