I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
