Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize