Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
