I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
