I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
