He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize