i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
