when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
