I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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