if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
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