My cat gives me a boner
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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