My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I touched a dick in church today
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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