yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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