and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
