i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
