I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
